Read my friend's blog again, after like so many months.. 1 year later.. dating back from jun 07.

i guess i wasnt that significant as a friend to him as compared to other friends he had and yes of course i know that.

those who really knows me, must have guessed that i aint got many frens. hmmm.

i do not even dare to hope that he'll treat me as some good fren..but just normal friend. but i guessed it was lesser than a normal one. i read back and he said he missed his frens...and i read twice..no mention of my name.
ah wells, at least i'm a lil' glad that he had my link to my blog on his page. i should be contented, i guess. :S

i guess i wasnt open enough when i'm with my group of frens. but seriously, do you know why?? do you know why i wasnt open when i'm with them but yet so open with my other group of friends?? becos they are different. they are my best groupss but i'd say i'm closer to jcu ones. i'm happy that i've got qy, annie, jessie and wisnu. well, wisnu drifted. sad...

they are nice to me. eh./.. i hope i'm good to them too. i hope i have brought joy to them...but they said that i'm boring.. too serious.. am i? i guess on both occasion i was tired and i cant speak due to lip inflammation. but how bout other times?? i guess i paled in comparison to jessie and qy when it comes to jokes.. i can only laugh my brains out..no contribution.. ok ok.. i'll try my best.

so what abt other groups?

i guess they are too matured for me. is it?? well it's ok that they are matured... i should be matured too cos afterall i'm 20 already... the numbah 2 is out! damn. but i guess my foundation that i've built with them was too careful...untill a barrier was formed between me and them.( eng: they and me ?? iono) yes.. i was too careful with words, in fear that i'll speak the wrogn words at the wrong time, dampening the spirits. i guess i always do that. when i can wisen up???
yes..too careful until i dare not speak... thus, making myself the odd one out among the chatty ones. well all are very interactive, except for me.

i guess i'm always the extra one. and i'm glad that they still ask me out occasionally. :) yes.. not all the time and that i've known it long ago.

oh and also, grades?? and personality plays a part?? man, i feel like i'm writing another essay. but nevertheless, essays like these are never tiring or irritating becos no reference needed but just jotting down what i think and feel...which my brain offers its juice readily like a woman to a man. or the man to the woman, if the woman is evil. MUAHAHA. ok... back to reality.

oh...just a note, i realised that i like to day dream alot. when writing lab report or essay gets too boring for me and i can squeeze any more juice out of that dried up brain, i start to fantasize 'ifs' scenarios. nothing dirty nothing wierd.. but normal. :D

yeah grades, i guess i was the dumbest. but ..hmm to recall, that is not really the factor, but rather..yes.. back to square one, openness---personality. i am not like my other fren, who is also part of the group( but not hanging out that kind.. but just talking part), speaking what i feel like saying and laughing.
i laugh too when i speak..but the questions and words that came out carried a tone of cautious. and yes.. they are dumb too. i guess i wasnt racking my brain enough to talk abt topics we can talk abt. seriously, the things they talk abt were things i dun dabble in. i guess both were in the big schools and the env is so much diff from mine..so there's a common topic. and becos

they are close already, they can talk more abt things they'd shared. so the theory here kind of resembles 'the rich gets richer and the poor gets poorer'.

still rmbing that time, for SS1112 i think..when i teamed up with Sam and Lyn, we were supposed to talk abt issues that are assigned.. they are general i guess but such a focused generality??

twice i thnk, my fren cried cos the topic touched that raw nerve. and once my other friend was talking abt her fears that she really dunno what to do. anyway.. i interviewed the latter and i was soo embarrasssed becos i dunno what to ask as an interviewer, esp when she needed one the most at that time. Sorry Sam and Lyn.(dun bother to figure which one was the latter. :P)
yes ..and for me... the first time i broke down when i talked abt the issue of 'friends'.

damn it, i duno why from that time onwards, whenever i read abt or hear or see anything abt my group of friends, eh.. i guess without me in the pic, i kinda get really sad?? i get really to the brink of a cup full of water. seriously, previously when i hadnt talked abt this, i was fine... sad but not that sad.. just, 'ok...' fullstop. now, i get soooooooooo sensitive!!! i should stop these whining cries wannabe.

i must be strong. talking abt strong, should girls be that strong. ok this is another issue.
should i be that strong? until guys leave me so far away? i guess i'm too independent, until guys feel as if they shouldnt even need to help me when i thought they could. help i guess, showing off their masculinity. e.g. like helping me to refill a cup of water. hmm i guess i was brought up such taht i do all things by myself. so i dun dare to even ask a guy...and even girls to help me to do anything. i feel really bad if i asked. cos i dunno how much of 'thank you' i should say to show my gratitude for their effort!

you know what?? i really mean it when i say thank you. unlike some 'thank you' i felt from others.
well. perhaps they meant it from their heart too. but it's just that it's expressed differently. I gauged too much i supposed.. i think for pple too much.
self- imposing on my freedom so much that i am too scared to venture out of my comfort zone. when can i learn to let go of that lifebuoy? i know i can swim but why am i still feeling insecure?

i need to be challenged but why cant i accept it with open arms? i guess what i'm doing now is doing what i know i should do to self-improve. am i doing what i like?? i'm a mixed person


i like challenges but scared to accept it. i guess i mustnt know that i'm accepting a challenge. if not.. i'll know that i'm threading on one.