cause lately i've
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  • Wong Yee Lee, Cherin
  • 1st May 88, Taurus
  • Nan Chiau primary high, Monk's Hill Sec, SRJC, James Cook Uni
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    Now, I would gladly appreciate if you kept this section untouched. We all like honest people now, don't we.
    layout tm / dd

    Sunday, 27 July 2008

    23:37
    Right. how shall i start? I guess i'm someone who doesnt know how to make and maintain frens.

    i'm starting to lose all of my friends i made when i was younger. I lost my primary schools one, slowly, i am losing my sec ones...I'M THANKFUL TO THE CLIQUE WHO STILL ASKS ME OUT WHEN THERE IS EVENT. i should be thankful yes. but sometimes, or rather..as always...feel so strange when i'm with them. feel so 生疏. feel so uneasy, because i know the fact that, they had to do that so not to make them feel bad for making me feel so left out. is it the looks? i should really get myself out of that dimension though. but probably i dunoo how to maintain a convo..and i dunno how to speak with tactfulness. i'm trying man. but what's wrong!?

    yes, at least i'm still with them. oh..where's keerth? i've yet to go out with her despite saying i wanted to. Grr...

    i'm starting to be so aware of people's feelings and thoughts( or rather be aware of their non verbal lang till that i starts to imagine stuff) am i being schizophrenic? or should i say i'm having avoidant personality disorder? (check them out urself on wikipedia.org) it's really a torture having this kind of mindset, or i guess i need to change to 'disorder'. i am having this fear that's haunting me....and it's eating up more of me these days. darn. i'm actually crying now while i'm writing this. how dumb! (*laughs)

    JC friends....i guess i lost them too. Council...i've never been close to them at the beginning of the term. tried to..but it was too made up. too fake. was never close to the 'maids , agency, and masters mistress', never close to Jane and becca group. not close to Brin's and the arts students. never close to the physics people, and most of them are with the arts students. i'm not trying to segregate them from what i was from, science. but it's easier to see it that way...for u and from my perspective.

    hmm my cliques from jc...the few good friends that i really treasure, are the only ones that i'm still in contact. i pray that we can stay that forever. they are the only ones who don't 'blame' or are fascinated in a way or so of me... at least i get some attention( real and focused). I THANK THEM TOO. :)

    Den those close friends i used to have from Deb. now seems to be in a world so far from me. I tried to reach to them but lightnings just prevented me. yes their kind of lightnings. Their wittiness and their confidence...and their sense of humour, and the way they talk made me the odd one out. i guess attitude should be inside of those i listed. i utterly lost them for real. No longer anyone from Deb contacts me. True they do have their own lives. but normally frens would nudge you to say hi.. but i dun get that. I , not checking the msn, believed that most of them ..nah.. some of them blocked me? probably none even. i'm back to my hallucination again.. wait.. hallucination means u dun know that you're hallucinating... hmm what is that word theN? shucks..forgotten...really need to read up again for my abnormal psych.

    yes....saw some fotos of the peoples from Deb. Even Angl. went. The four of them, 2 guys and 2 gals, one of whom was someone i once looked up to. I still do. but i guess i'm not that suitable to be her fren afterall. different mode of speech. I must apologise once again for offending her before she flies to aus for studies. Well, before that, i've always tried to be on my toes when speaking to her, afraid that i'll offend her and kena shamed by her..and kena humiliation. and yeah..eventually that moment of offence came. is it some kinda pre-destined? (dellusions here)

    i guess i lost the 2 guys as frens too becos 1, Gl. is more hyper and i dunno what to speak of when i'm with people like him. It's not that he's not good. he's good..funny and i enjoyed their company. but becos i was afraid of speaking stupidly and of speaking lousy eng, thats why i retreated, not wanting to speak much in my lousy eng and be bimbotic... well..in a way or so, for me. The other one, Luc., was some one i guess i adored before. hmmm of course, i got over him the day he confronted me when i guess the one i looked up to told her. prbably not...if she said its not her...ok..someone else...
    or probably my actions were too obvious??? sigh... 17-18 yrs old liao.. still act so stupidly. sigh..
    i can only look back and laugh...no longer be ashame cos those were experience that we all normally will go thru. who haven acted stupidly before? We all mature as we grow and each stage of maturity, lands us on a platform of higher actualisation, to look down on those stairs of mistakes, and say 'how arduous we've come thus far!"

    yeap..councillors of the 19th wasnt near close at all. so totally no contact... sad... oh... Chal. this thai guy, once a crush of mine now no longer in contact with him although his nick keeps appearing on msn. he..i oso dunno why dun wish to contact me. it's not the crush part ok?! that's like i said...the past...foolishness.

    ok... come to uni...it's kinda pathetic... now that i've got a few friends, i ought to say my prayers. But.. still not that open enough i guess. i need for network. I'm in the line of sales and mlm..i need to speak up..and smile!

    i guess i spoken enough of my lamentation. currently i'm listening to Morten Harket's and A-Ha's songs. Morten's songs are the only sole consolation i have to accompany me to walk the treacherous roads ahead.
    Bless Me